Thursday, November 7, 2013

A Sentence That is Hard For Me to Finish

When I was a little kid, I thought I was ugly because I had psoriasis.

Psoriasis is actually an autoimmune disorder that causes red, scaly patches on your skin.  The patches can affect literally any part of your body and can range from mild to severe.  Typically people with psoriasis experience periods of subsiding and flaring.  I was diagnosed when I was in fourth grade (9 years old) and battled it until I was twenty-five when my first pregnancy made it miraculously disappear.

Nowadays, there are better, internal medications to treat psoriasis.  Back then, though, these did not exist.  The only relief I got came from daily application of creams, ointments, stinky shampoos, and specialized light treatments.

I hated it.  I hated the creams and ointments.  I hated the doctor's appointments.  I hated the questions and the comments.  I hated covering up and hiding.  I hated pulling up my shirt, showing my back to the man I was head over heels in love with, and praying he wouldn't be disgusted.  I hated choosing prom dresses and a wedding gown based more on what parts of my body they covered than what I really liked.  I hated looking in the mirror.

Although my psoriasis has been gone for ten years now, I still hate it.  I hate the word.  I hate the memories of it.  I hate talking about it.  I hate the commercials on TV that paint this rosy picture of a simple cure that wasn't available when I needed it.  I hate feeling guilty for hating psoriasis because it could have been cancer or something much worse and life threatening.  I hate looking at the prom photos and wedding pictures because I know what was underneath.  I hate that writing this makes me cry.

I hate that, when I read the prompt "When I was a little kid I thought. . . . ," this was the first topic that came to mind.

I hate that I hate it so much because that means it wins.

Most of all, I hate that I still do not cannot like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I spent so many years - formative years - seeing something negative glaring back at me in my reflection.  Seeing the negative became a habit.  The red skin patches are gone, but now I see the extra pounds or the dark circles under my eyes.  I see a too big nose or mousy hair color.  I see someone who doesn't do enough or well enough.

Then, I see a hypocrite.

You see, I have three daughters - beautiful daughters.  They aren't even teenagers yet, but I have heard all of them comment that they are fat.  I have heard them complain about their freckles, their height, their hair.  When I hear those comments, it breaks my heart and I wonder, "Did they learn that from me?"  I tell them they are beautiful inside and out.  I tell them they are just the way God intended for them to be.  "Be confident," I tell them.   

Then, I look in the mirror at myself again.  Hypocrite.

I see their beauty, but I don't see mine.  When I was a little kid I thought I was ugly and I still do.  I am trying really, really hard, though, to be a good example; to make sure my girls finish this sentence differently when they are thirty five.

Psoriasis be damned.  I WILL NOT let it, through me, teach my daughters to see the negative.  I will not let it take from them what it took from me.  I overcame it physically and, someday, I will overcome it mentally and emotionally as well. 

To learn more about psoriasis, visit the National Psoriasis Foundation at www.psoriasis.org.   

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This post was written as part of Finish The Sentence Friday  and the prompt was "One Halloween I..."   FTSF is hosted by some wonderful blogging ladies.  Please give them a visit and check out all the other blogs that participate as well!

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

48 comments:

Janine Huldie said...

Lisa, this took so much courage to write and even without having psoriasis, I felt down on my looks many times as a kid, but can't even imagine. I love your message here for your kids, as well as for all who read. Thank you seriously for sharing this here with us and linking up, too tonight.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Janine! It was hard to write, but obviously, it's been "festering" for a while. It just sort of came out even though I didn't really want it to.

Dana said...

I can see why this sentence was hard for you to finish, Lisa. Your post is so honest - maybe one day you'll let your girls read it? There is just something so ingrained in girls and women that make us judge ourselves by our physical appearance. I hope the emotional scars of psoriasis heal for you over time. xoxo

Stephanie Sprenger said...

This gave me chills, Lisa. Your post was so raw- it was clear you held nothing back. I really appreciate how bravely you shared your own guilt for hating it when it could have been cancer. The honesty behind your worries about your girls' self-image and your own continuing struggle is just beautiful. I hope it was cathartic to write this- it will stick with anyone who reads it, that's for sure. Wow.

Kristi - Finding Ninee said...

Wow, Lisa. This is amazing. I so appreciate your honesty and bravery in posting it. I have similar topics (well similar in my life but totally and completely different) which I rarely write about (one was about my stepdaughter...even though that wasn't about me) Anyway...ach. I guess what I'm trying to say is You are BRAVE and powerful for writing this and I felt everything you said, all of the ways. I tell my son all of the time that he's perfect, exactly as he is. And then I look at myself in the mirror, and I flip me off. Hypocrite, here, too...

Kelly McKenzie said...

What an honest, no holds barred post. I have a friend who suffers from psoriasis still in her 50s. What a nasty, nasty ailment. I can see why this sentence was so hard for you to finish and am sitting here in admiration of your splendid job at doing so.

April @ 100lbcountdown said...

That is so hard. It doesn't help that kids can be cruel. I never had the cool clothes and that was enough to feel ugly n but clothes can be changed. I hope you find the love for yourself to show to your daughters.

Heather said...

As someone that has had psoriasis for years and years now I know how hard this must have been to write. It's not even something I like to think about. I haven't had a serious flare up for several years now, it's contained to just my knees, elbows and knuckles. Places my eyes have trained themselves not to see. I hate that you had this as child. It's hard to deal with - especially the questions and comments - as an adult, as a child that would have been horrendous. Thank you so much for sharing this, it has really hit home for me.

Natalie the Singingfool said...

This was an inspiration. I cannot imagine how that was for you. I had my own childhood pains, and still don't like who I see in the mirror because of them. Your commitment to raising your own children to see beyond that is powerful. Thank you for sharing so openly.

AnnMarie Gubenko said...

So powerful. I have two daughters, too and I also here them say those things and I cringe knowing they learned it from me. I just want you to know that I think you are beautiful--inside and out and psoriasis be damned and leave my friend alone!

Considerer said...

Wow, Lisa, this is incredible! So well written and such a testament to the way that a long-term condition like this can have a hugely negative impact. So sorry you went through all this. I have only an inkling of how it was for you (I suffered very bad eczema, often in highly visible places, such as my face and hands) and I totally understand your gut-deep hatred of it and all it meant to you.



SO glad that it disappeared when you were pregnant. What a relief!

There is much to undo, and many years of negative self-image to overcome, but I have confidence that you'll get there in the end :)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Dana! My girls know about my psoriasis, but I'm not sure they really understand how deep it goes. Maybe I will let them read this someday.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you, Stephanie! I am in awe of the comments telling me this is brave and beautiful. It just kind of spilled out when I started writing. Because it is painful, I usually avoid talking about it and I have always avoided writing about it. I didn't even want to read it so I did very little editing. I'm glad, though, that it moved you. It was hard to write, but all of this support is extremely cathartic.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you Kristi! I have mentioned it a few times, but have never written about it like this. Hopefully, someday, we will all be able to see beauty in ourselves the way we see it in our children and in each other.

The Dose of Reality said...

Oh, Lisa. This is such a powerful post. It's so hard. We all have out own issues and we try so hard not to pass those along to our daughters, but are we? I think we can all relate to this feeling. You are not alone. The fact that you are thinking about it and actively trying to battle that means you are *miles* ahead of the game. You are a great mom.

Ginnymarie said...

So often I feel like a hypocrite, too, when I'm talking to my daughters! It's very hard not to say negative things about myself, but I know they are listening! I know it was hard, but you did a fabulous job of finishing the sentence!

Tamara Bowman said...

Hypocrite here too. I remember my mom telling me after I got older that she often felt fat and ugly compared to my sisters and me. We were young! Now I look at my daughter and I only see pure beauty and I can't imagine ever seeing anything else. When I look in the mirror, I see pure ugliness. It's terrible. I didn't know my mom felt that way when I was a kid, and still it happened to me. And I don't want my daughter to know I feel this way.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel for your friend and hope she is finding effective treatments!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you April! Kids can be cruel. In fact, I can vividly remember some specific comments that cut me to the core. That's even harder when we are struggling.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you Heather. I spent years hiding it and trying not to see it, so I know exactly what you are going through. I usually don't like to walk about it or think about it either. Sorry you are dealing with it, but I'm glad this post touched you. If you ever need someone who understands what you are going through, I'll be right here on the blog and you are welcome to contact me!

Kenya G. Johnson said...

Lisa, this was an excellent post. As for your girls - I think that's a natural way to feel at the age. Any imperfection is a HUGE deal. I honestly spent two hours on my hair before school and I use to wish I went to school where I could wear a uniform and wouldn't have to deal with what to wear everyday. (I still hate my hair most days and call myself a hypocrite because I have friends going through chemo and would love to have my "problem") It's natural - that's they way we are. Keep kicking that psoriasis memory in the butt!

Tanya M said...

Fantastic post Lisa. It's great how you showcased how it made you feel as a kid but also how your perspective changes as a parent.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks you so much Chris! Your words are powerful and beautiful. I trying to get there - I'm looking forward to THAT moment when I see it the way you did. xoxo

Sarah @ LeftBrainBuddha said...

Oh Lisa, this is so powerful and beautiful and honest and vulnerable! I just want to give you a hug. Thank you for sharing this with us.... I love how you've written about it terms of how you view your daughters. I was on medications for acne in my teens (which I realize is way different than psoriasis) but as teenagers we are self-conscious enough as it is without throwing in skin conditions. And thanks for the reminder that we all can be nicer to ourselves when we look in the mirror. And finally, you ARE beautiful. :) Seriously.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Natalie! I suppose we have all had struggles of one kind or another. Someday, maybe we will all stop being so hard on ourselves and learn to see the beauty that others see.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks you AnnMarie! Having daughters puts a whole new soon on this womanhood thing, doesn't it?

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you Lizzi! Although I wish nobody else ever suffered a similar condition it helps to know there are others who have been there and understand. There is much to undo, indeed!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks you so much! "You are a great mom" is the best compliment I can ever receive.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks! Why are we so programmed to put ourselves down?? We build up everyone around us - friends, children - and then we turn on ourselves. Hopefully, our daughters can break that cycle. I'm trying my best and I know you are, too!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I think we are all hypocrites on some level, aren't we? I look at the pictures you post and think you are beautiful. It would never occur to me that you wouldn't see the same in yourself! As I've said to other commenters, I wish we could ALL the in ourselves the beauty that others see in us.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Kenya! I agree that it is natural, but I wish it wasn't! I will keep kicking the memory, I hope. All of these supportive comments are helping more than any of you could know!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you for sharing Tanya and I am sorry that you struggle. I would say to you that your hands are a display of what you overcome everyday and you should be proud of them - but, would that make me a hypocrite again because I don't view my own "scars" that way? We all have struggles and we are all beautiful. Hopefully, we can all find a way to stop hiding and start being proud.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you Sarah! These sweet comments feel like virtual hugs and are greatly appreciated. I don't think acne is all that different - both are very visible conditions and can make a teenager very self-coucious (my older brother was also on medication for acne as a teen). Just goes to show that we all have struggles and we can certainly all be a little nicer to ourselves!

Considerer said...

Much to undo, but it will be undone :) Gradually the photographs of you looking beautiful and wearing clothes you chose because you like them (rather than because you needed to wear them to hide) and compliments from your husband which you can accept, and your children's love, will all work their magic, alongside your determination to set a good body-image example.



You'll get there :)

Chris HyeThymeCafe said...

Whoops! Just lost my comment. Let's see if I can remember it... First of all, I know you can't help it, but you really are crazy to think of yourself as in any way ugly! You need to be careful about subconsciously passing that message along. I just heard something about that the other day - how kids absorb those feelings more from their mother than from what they hear form kids at school, on TV, or read in magazines, etc. I know it's really tough to be your own "thought police." My Mom suffered from terrible psoriasis growing up. Year later, it actually disappeared after going through radiation/chemo, so I guess that was the silver lining that came out of that scare! And I completely agree with you... "I wish we could ALL see in ourselves the beauty that others see in us." I think we all struggle with that in some way.

Ashley Linder said...

A. You are not ugly. At all. Beautiful in fact. Both inside and out!! B. Sadly it is society and the media that make us think that we could look better, be better, have more. Your kids saying that has nothing to do with how you are as a mother. You are one of the best moms I know. You girls are sweet, generous, kind, thoughtful and beautiful b/c of all the wonderful things that you have done and taught them as their mother. And your husband adores you and I would bet thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world and probably tells you that constantly. You are amazing!!!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Aw!! Thanks Ashely!! Your words mean so much to me. You are a fabulous mother yourself - takes on to know one! :-) I'm pretty lucky to have the guy I've got and I so appreciate friends like you!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Chris! I am trying so hard to be careful about the messages I am sending to my daughters - so very hard. I think we do all struggle in some way and I am hoping that writing this and sharing it will be at least a step to getting rid of those thoughts.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I will get there and all the support I am getting on this post today is surely helping. My hubby is a very good complimenter and I'm learning to accept them!

Lizzy Allan said...

Oh Lisa, this post just about broke my heart. I can relate to everything you wrote, except that I've never had psoriasis, but I did have very ugly acne-ridden ad sun-damaged skin so a long, long time. Although the worst of it is over, I still look in the mirror and see puffy, dark circles under my eyes and yucky hair, etc etc etc. Inside, sometimes I think I will forever feel like a fourteen-year-old girl. My partner has suffered psoriasis since adolescence and still hasn't found 'cure' for it - sometimes it gets better, like in summer when he can swim in the ocean, but it never really goes away and definitely gets worse when he's stressed. I'm so sorry you had to suffer like that during your formative years. xxxx

Rachel @TaoOfPoop said...

You are so brave to share your story, Lisa. i'm sure it will be a support to so many other people who had and have psoriasis. And you are brave to make a different sense of self for yourself and for your children! Lovely post.

Considerer said...

Good for him. And I'm glad the positive response here is helping - sometimes that's just the kind of thing which is needed (though that (for me) opens up a whole other can of worms about where I find my validation, but let's just not go there ;) ) and I LOVE when it happens to me and the genuine strength of people's feelings and opinons can be heard in the POSITIVE for me. It's a bit awe-inspiring, really. I'm so glad you have such wonderful affirming people around to lift you up :)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you Lizzy! I am sorry you suffered as well, and sorry that your partner suffers now. I appreciate your understanding and hope that we can all find relief - physical and emotional - very soon!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you Rachel! It has been therapeutic for me and I would love to think it could be for others as well.

KatiaDBE said...

Oh, Lisa, bravo for sharing this and for such a brave and honest introspection. I remember how in childhood all feelings are almost amplified. We feel everything so much more deeply and acutely. It must have been so hard for you to spend your childhood and so many years after that feeling that way. I haven't suffered from psoriasis but I can identify with the acute self-criticism as I'm sure will so many others who read this post. Great post!

Louise said...

Childhood - and teen years - are tricky enough without something like this being thrown into the mix. I can't imagine the impact of something like that growing up. But I love that you are trying not to have that experience and feelings transfer to how your daughters see themselves.
As for pregnancy curing it - that made me laugh. My second pregnancy cured vision issues for me and I no longer needed to wear glasses to drive. I joked we should have a third to see if it might result in my getting magic powers :)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you so much Katia for your kind words and understanding!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Pregnancy sure can do some strange things, huh?? :-)

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