I have never liked the way I look. Never. As long as I can remember, I have looked in the mirror and seen something negative. Skin problems, hips that were too big, boobs that were too small. I have a tendency to compare myself to all the "skinny girls" and all the women that are, in my mind, so much more attractive than I am. I always find a reason to berate my physical appearance.
|That's me on the far right in the purple dress and I absolutely DESPISE the way I look in this photo from BlogU in June - over three months and 15 pounds ago. 😝|
Finally, mostly through, some
I did two things. First, I made an appointment with my doctor. I talked to him at length and he agreed that the rate at which I was gaining weight was abnormal, so he ordered blood tests. While I waited for the results I had very mixed emotions. Of course, I didn't want to have a health problem, but that would have been an answer at least. For better or worse, all the results cam back normal, so it appears that there is no medical reason for the weight - at least not one that is easy to diagnose.
Secondly, I joined a gym - something I haven't done since I was in college. I have committed to going three times a week. During two of those times, I work with a trainer. It's never easy to work it into my schedule and I would much rather be sitting my fat butt in this computer chair cruising Facebook or writing. Every time I go, I hate it and I resent it, but I leave feeling like I have accomplished something. It's been 4 weeks and I'm still waiting to see that "accomplishment" move the number on the scale in reverse. It has, however, stopped it from continuing to go up at least.
I keep trying to remember that, at this point, it's only been a month and the kind of results I want don't happen quickly. I'm also trying to be a little less self-depricating, but, I fear, losing the insults is going to happen in direct proportion to losing the weight. I don't know why my self esteem is so tied to my weight and outward appearance. I don't want ti to be that way but I simply cannot get past it. It's an old and deep-seeded internal scar. I hope that with some serious determination, continued support from the hubs, and great friends who let me cry and completely unload on them after a workout (Thanks, Wendi!), and friends who help me remember the good qualities I have to offer, I'll get there - eventually. I don't know that I will ever love my body, but I truly want to get to a place where I can accept it. It has taken me mani places, given me three beautiful children, and will, hopefully, allow me to enjoy life for many more years to come. Someday, I will be able to look in the mirror and like what I see because life is too short to waste time complaining.
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.
Guest hosts: Kelly from Just Typikal
and Katia from IAMTHEMILK