Friday, September 19, 2014

Put up or Shut Up - Because Life Is Too Short For Complaining

This post is a bit more blunt than my usual tone, but writing is healing for me, so here goes. 


I have never liked the way I look. Never. As long as I can remember, I have looked in the mirror and seen something negative. Skin problems, hips that were too big, boobs that were too small. I have a tendency to compare myself to all the "skinny girls" and all the women that are, in my mind, so much more attractive than I am. I always find a reason to berate my physical appearance.
That's me on the far right in the purple dress and I absolutely DESPISE the way I look in this photo from BlogU in June - over three months and 15 pounds ago. 😝
This terrible habit of mine was at an all time high about a month ago. You see, I gained what I think is a lot of weight over the summer - about 20 pounds in 4 months. For someone who is already very self-critical, it was very difficult cope with this change. As the weight kept piling on, so did the insults I was hurling at myself. Eventually, I got to a point of not being able to look in the mirror without wanting to either cry or vomit. Literally. 

Finally, mostly through, some encouragement nudging tough love from my very supportive husband and encouragement from some Facebook blogging friends, I realized something: It was time to either put up or shut up because life is too short to waste time complaining.

I did two things. First, I made an appointment with my doctor. I talked to him at length and he agreed that the rate at which I was gaining weight was abnormal, so he ordered blood tests. While I waited for the results I had very mixed emotions. Of course, I didn't want to have a health problem, but that would have been an answer at least. For better or worse, all the results cam back normal, so it appears that there is no medical reason for the weight - at least not one that is easy to diagnose. 

Secondly, I joined a gym - something I haven't done since I was in college. I have committed to going three times a week. During two of those times, I work with a trainer. It's never easy to work it into my schedule and I would much rather be sitting my fat butt in this computer chair cruising Facebook or writing. Every time I go, I hate it and I resent it, but I leave feeling like I have accomplished something. It's been 4 weeks and I'm still waiting to see that "accomplishment" move the number on the scale in reverse. It has, however, stopped it from continuing to go up at least. 

I keep trying to remember that, at this point, it's only been a month and the kind of results I want don't happen quickly. I'm also trying to be a little less self-depricating, but, I fear, losing the insults is going to happen in direct proportion to losing the weight. I don't know why my self esteem is so tied to my weight and outward appearance. I don't want ti to be that way but I simply cannot get past it. It's an old and deep-seeded internal scar. I hope that with some serious determination, continued support from the hubs, and great friends who let me cry and completely unload on them after a workout (Thanks, Wendi!), and friends who help me remember the good qualities I have to offer,  I'll get there - eventually. I don't know that I will ever love my body, but I truly want to get to a place where I can accept it. It has taken me mani places, given me three beautiful children, and will, hopefully, allow me to enjoy life for many more years to come. Someday, I will be able to look in the mirror and like what I see because life is too short to waste time complaining.   


This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.

Your hosts: Kristi From Finding Ninee & Stephanie from Mommy, For Real.

Guest hosts: Kelly from Just Typikal
and Katia from IAMTHEMILK


Finish the Sentence Friday

42 comments:

Tamara Bowman said...

Aww.. sorry about that photo! I didn't take it! You'd look beautiful in any photos I took.
I'm glad your results came back normal and that you're getting into a better health groove. Also so happy about your awesome attitude.

Janine Huldie said...

Lisa, I missed that you got the results back, but am glad in one way that there is nothing wrong with your health, although I know you just wanted a reason for the weight gain, but still sounds like you are doing all you can to work on it and am so proud of you. definitely cheering you on and think you can do this. You are amazing - remember this ;)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Ha! I don't think it was the photographer - I think it was the subject. :-) That photo should be a happy memory - not a source of angst for me. My attitude about it all has good days and bad days, but I'm trying to embrace this philosophy.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Janine!

Anna Fitfunner said...

Lisa, I've seen that photo showing up on a number of blogs -- you are part of a group of influential and talented bloggers! I'm joining with the other commenters in cheering you on in your new journey!

Stephanie Sprenger said...

I'm so proud of you! I hate that so often our self-esteem is tied up in our appearance, but I also agree that there is a line we sometimes need to cross in order to feel better about ourselves and our health. Good for you for going there. And thanks for so bravely, openly, and generously sharing your experience with us. I'm so glad your tests came back normal.

Ginnymarie said...

Good for you! I've been gaining weight, too, and I think it's because I've hit middle age, as much as I hate to admit it! I'm thinking about joining the new gym down the street from us. I'm glad your weight gain doesn't seem to be a health issue!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Anna!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Stephanie! I wish I had done this before I got to this point, but better late than never I suppose.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks! I don't think middle age should be the reason for my weight gain yet - I'm only 37. But, whatever it is, I have to stop it.

Kristi - Finding Ninee said...

I sortof don't know where to start. I have had a horrible relationship with my body for as long as I can remember, and even to the point where, when I was at my happiest weight-wise, I was dying inside, and being so very horribly unhealthy... I've noticed a pattern through the years now. I'm either really committed to being skinny, and hardly eat anything and it's easy (rare, last time was when I was dating and met my husband) or just hungry emotionally and physically and just not doing well. I don't know what the answer is but I DO know that if you're working out, that your weight doesn't matter. I mean, think about when you're 80. do you care then about your belly? I hope not. I mean maybe we do but I hope we care more about our hearts, both cardio-ish and love-ish...
Also, well, yeah. I wish I didn't get where you're coming from. But I do. I look in the mirror and call myself a weak ass$ole every day... and my pants are too tight. Even the new ones... Can we talk more about this offline?

Chris Carter said...

Lisa- I'm so sorry you have to suffer through this struggle with yourself!! I am praying that you can find the right balance and medical answers for what makes you feel good and keeps you healthy... and most of all? I am praying that somehow God breathes into your thoughts and eventually through to your heart, that peace in knowing you are beautiful and worthy of believing that.

Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom said...

"I have never liked the way I look"... you had me there. I'm the exact same way. Ever since I had my girls, I have been especially unhappy with my body. My stomach looks like a bum... other than plastic surgery (which I refuse to do), there's no way to fix that. So I work out but I look at all that extra skin around my midsection and I feel defeated.


Then there's the boobs. While you say your boobs are too small... I hate mine because they're too big. No matter what I wear, I always look much bigger because of the boob weight that is so close to my face.


Good for you for taking action! I'll cheer you on for this journey Lisa!


Thanks so much making yourself vulnerable and sharing these thoughts. They really got me thinking.


Wishing you a lovely weekend.
xoxo

Ginnymarie said...

No, I'm sure it isn't...I have a few years on you! ;)

Kelly McKenzie said...

Such a rawly honest post. Good on you for getting yourself into the gym. I fell off the healthy eating wagon this summer and am now back in plumpkin land and hate it... The tight pants, the bulging shirt etc. so I went back to Zumba. When I'm exhausted from a workout I no longer think about snacking and that is huge. Hardest time for me is after dinner now. Pass the apples!

Meredith said...

Lisa, this is beautiful. Not just because of your honesty, but b/c of the spirit with which you are addressing it. Thank you for sharing--I have been in these shoes too and I know it's so hard. And I love, love, love what you say in your graphic. xoxoxo

The Shitastrophy said...

First - I love the purple dress, and you are a gorgeous lady inside and out. That being said I totally understand where you are coming from and am struggling with the same thing myself. The last few years I have seen my weight creep up till it matched my delivery weight with my last kid - 10 years ago. The frustration and annoyance that I can no longer do nothing and expect results is a slap in my face every time I look in the mirror. Kudos to you for making the first step towards changing your outlook - by working out. Keep us posted, you are awesome for sharing this.

Dana said...

You posted that picture even though you hate the way you look - I admire you for that, Lisa. I wish we lived closer - I would love to workout with you! I hope you grow to enjoy going to the gym, or at least not hate it. And I know that you will think what you think regardless of what friends and family say, but know that no one is as critical of your appearance as you are. Not even close!

Michelle Grewe said...

You look fabulous in your picture. I totally understand weight issues. Last summer in 2013, I was a size 3 complaining I was too skinny and it was grossing me out (skin just sucked behind bones in a grotesque sort of way), and then I start some brain meds, and now I'm a size 10/12, but I swear I look like I'm a size 22 and I'm complaining about being too big. I know I need to exercise. Building muscle is the sure fire way to increase metabolism, so I've told myself, "I'm going to start doing push-ups and squats," but it hasn't happened yet. Instead, I stand in front of the mirror, grab my stomach fat, and make it talk, "Get in my bellay!" Good luck on your endeavors, but remember, you are you no matter what skin you are in, and true beauty that doesn't fade is not a presentation of what you look like, but a reflection of how you treat people.

Kristi - Finding Ninee said...

I can't wait to talk more. This week will be crazy too because we're flying to Denver on Thursday and I have to get 5 days of work into 3 without a sitter and normally, I would not worry about work, but well, right now, I have to, if that makes sense. And thank you. You're amazing. And beautiful. Inside and out.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Working out definitely changes a lot of things. I don't want to put i al that effort at the gym and, then, undo it by eating crap (most of the time!).

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Meredith! That's a philosophy I am trying very hard to embrace.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you. It really was hard to share as I don't often open this part of me up to anyone. However, I'm at the breaking point, I think. Something has to change. (And, I currently weigh basically what I weighed when I left the hospital after having eau of my kids and, since, I gained 50 pounds with each pregnancy, that is not an easy number to swallow.)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Dana! Somewhere deep down, I do know that. I'm just struggling to remember it. :-) And, I would love to have you as a workout partner.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thank you, Michelle. That last sentence - that's what I try to remember, but it gets cloudy when I look in the mirror.

Kenya G. Johnson said...

I love the way you finished the sentence and it's so true. Thank you for that honesty. Forty five minutes or less from the beach and I didn't make an effort to go all summer because I couldn't fit into last years bathing suit (not properly anyway). I did buy a new one and because it was a bigger size I was mad at it and never took the tags off. Now of course I don't know where the receipt is and can't take it back. But I complained about my weight all summer without really making much of an effort to do anything about it. I've been doing pretty good the last couple of weeks and no the results aren't fast here either but I see small result (in a way like, dang there's a lot of places to lose fat). I'm striving for half pound loss a week or a no gain ;-)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Yes - None of my clothes fit well right now, but i simply refuse to go buy more until I can buy a size smaller (which would mean I could get back to wearing a lot of why is already in my closet). Results definitely are not fast - I have been busting my you-know-what for 4 weeks now and the gaining has stopped, but the losing hasn't started yet.

Allie Smith said...

You've made the first step, and it's usually the hardest one to make! Be proud of yourself. And thank GOD there are no health issues to worry about. Good luck to you!

Tara Gantz Newman said...

In the same boat. Hang in there. You have great self awareness and you are taking action, That is winning in my book.

MamaRabia said...

I started packing on the pounds near the end of summer. I was glad I could still wear my dresses and skirts. Now the weather is getting cooler, none of my pants fit and *this* is the time of year most people start to gain weight. I can't afford to gain any more. I need to get back on the exercise train, but I don't know when to fit it in! Good for you for making the commitment and fixing what you want to fix (not that any of us think you need to be fixed!)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks! It is an uphill climb, but I'm rowing on the proud and grateful parts! :-)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Tara!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

It is definitely a commitment. I was just complaining to my husband tonight that, between my job and going to the gym, I don't have time to do anything else at all. (And I only work part-time!) My blogging is suffering. My house is suffering. It sucks. :-( There are so many things I would rather do.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

It does make sense and I totally understand. Whenever you want to talk, I'll be here. I am continually seesawing between feeling better and being incredibly frustrated/upset about the whole thing. Anyway, safe travels and I look forward to talking soon!

Seana Turner said...

Sending you some love, Lisa. It's so funny. I was looking at your photo and thinking "What? Why is she down on herself. She's totally pretty!" There aren't easy answers to these irrational self-criticisms, but know that you worth is NOT in your weight, the shape of your face, or the condition of your skin (I can totally relate on this one!) It's just a shell. Nonetheless, way to go on taking care of the shell... I always feel better when I exercise:)

Meredith said...

I know those feelings all too well. I started a diet today because I was tired of how I felt too. Hang in there! :)

Kerri Ames said...

I am with you on this one. I am so hyper critical of myself, especially in photos. I think it is smart that you are doing something about your weight but also your self-esteem. I realized I was putting words into my daughter's thoughts about her own self-esteem. I've now stopped saying what I think out loud. If only I could silence the inner voice. Good luck on your goals.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

In my head I know all of that, but I just can't seem to embrace it. I'm working on it, though!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Meredith!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Kerri! That inner voice gets me every time, but I am trying really hard not to let my daughters hear it.

TheMissusV said...

Way to go for doing something about it! I too need to do this, I always complain about my body but I don't do any form of exercise. I also complain about a recurring headache but I've never had it checked. Pfft. Thanks for the reminder!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Good luck! It's not easy, but it's important.

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