Wednesday, January 7, 2015

The Convoluted Emotions of Motherhood

When I became a mother, I knew I would love my children more than anything. What I didn’t fully comprehend was what a plethora of other emotions I would experience as a mom. There is absolutely nobody and nothing in this world that I love more fiercely than I love my three daughters. There is also nothing and no one who can make me angrier or more exasperated than they do. I can look at them and feel like an amazing, empowered woman, yet immensely guilty for my perceived failures as a parent. There are days when I so desperately need a vacation away from them, but if I ever get it I miss them terribly.  While I would without hesitstaion give my life for them, I also lament the “life” and freedom motherhood has taken from me. 

The emotions of motherhood are complicated, arent’ they? It can feel much like a ping pong ball, bouncing uncontrollably from one wall to another and back again. 

These children, these precious gifts I’ve been given - I love them more than I ever knew possible, yet I am sometimes more frustrated, exhausted, or confused by them than I could have ever imagined. 

For example, my heart swells with pride when I see the stragiht A’s on the report card. An hour later, I’m shouting “What is wrong with you? Why do you treat your sister that way?” utterly disappointed by their behavior and my shortcomings in guiding them.

I stare at the lunchboxes on the counter annoyed at having to pack lunches again for three differetnly picky eaters and I mumble about how ridiculous thier “menu requirements” are. Yet, I am grateful that I have penty of food in my pantry to give them and, when they walk out the door, I hold on for an extra second or two and siletnly pray for them to have a good, safe day. 

I so admire their uniqueness and strength to be exactly who they are, but I get so tired of wardrobe arguments, defiant attitudes, and wish that, just once, they could agree on a family time activity.

I am beyond terrified by the idea of losing any of them. However, I have found strength and bravery I never knew I had in the name of protecting them. 

They simultaneously ruffle my feathers and melt my heart. 

Every day as a mom is a roller coaster of convoluted emotions. This parenting journey has brought me my highest highs and my lowest lows. I know there are plenty more to come. As I anticipate sending them off to college, watching them walk down the aisle, and seeing them become mothers themselves, I know I will be so very proud and joyful AND so desperately heartbroken and sad as the conflicting, extreme feelings of those momentous occasions twist and turn around my heart and soul. In those big moments and in the smaller, everyday ones, all I can do is buckle up, hold on tightly, and enjoy the exhiliration of this complicated ride.  

This Post is the first installment of my One Word Challenge! For more information or to join, click the image below!

The Golden Spoons


  1. Kristi - Finding NineeJanuary 7, 2015 at 8:15 PM

    This is awesome Lisa. Seriously. And yeah, I do feel that we all feel this way. Both fiercely protective and in love and utterly exasperated!

  2. Wishing you another wonderful and blessed year!

  3. These are great, Lisa! I love that you are resolving to love yourself instead of trying to change yourself. What a positive way to start out the year!
    Also, I'd love to get published elsewhere. Do you submit ideas to these places or do they seek you out? I need to figure out how that works.

  4. Totally beautiful. It's exasperating and exhilarating, all in one hour!

  5. Mostly, I submit to them. It's important to be familiar with their requirements (are pervasively published posts acceptable?, etc.) and to find ones that fit your style. Start by reading some of the regularly (Mamapedia, Mamalode, Scary Mommy, etc.) and figure out which ones are a good fit. Also, ion the Beyond your Bloggers FB group - it's all about getting your work published beyond your own blog.

  6. It really is all that, isn't it Lisa? I can look at the twistiest rollercoaster man can construct, and can't help but think, "Is that all ya got? I'm a parent." Like you, I feel the highs are so worth the lows. I'll take the whole package, please.

  7. Those are awesome resolutions and I may just steal a couple! Have a great 2015!

  8. Oh, I'm so with you on the proud one minute and then trying to figure them out the next!!! Always a fun ride!!

  9. Very good post, and so true!

    I'm so aggravated. I wrote my post right after I got your email, but forgot to link up. I wonder if you can send out a reminder email the day link-up opens? Anyway, here is my post:

  10. Oh no!! I'll check out your post. Did you join the Facebook group? I didn't send an email when the post was live, but I did post it on Facebook in the group.

  11. I sure didn't. I just did though. That explains why I missed it LOL.