-unable to think clearly; bewildered
-not in possession of all one's mental faculties
While confused is not the word I would have chosen to describe my state of mind lately, those definitions prove that, perhaps, it is actually the perfect word. Unable to think clearly? Yep. Bewildered? For sure. I would also add overwhelmed, stressed out, and frazzled.
I've been a lot of things in my life -a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a student, a teacher, a friend, an enemy, an athlete, a writer, an overachiever, an I-can-do-it-myself-er. One thing I have never been is a swimmer.
The water scares me. It makes me feel that I am not in control. If I go under, I feel claustrophobic, disoriented, and panicked. Just the thought of it, the memory of that feeling makes my heart beat a little faster. Yet, I watch other people, including my daughters, glide through the the water effortlessly, unafraid to dive in head first and I envy their ability to find joy in the ripples.
Tweet This: Frantically treading water trying to stay afloat in life. Have you been there? @TheGoldenSpoons #1Word http://ctt.ec/0IB7x+
Despite my awkwardness in the water and my hesitancy to plunge in, I have used the metaphor of swimming several times in the last week telling others that, right now, I feel like I am feverishly treading water, giving it all I've got just trying to stay afloat, but getting nowhere fast. If I slow down, though, I will surely drown.
My to-do lists have been holding me hostage. I have a list that needs to be done for my job, a list that needs to be done for my blog, and, of course, a list that needs to be done for my family and my home. I am trying to squeeze in (no pun intended) a couple trips to the gym each week in an effort to fight back against my constant self image discontent. Then, there is that extremely inconvenient need for sleep. There are deadlines, and interruptions, and most of the time, my head is spinning with everything that needs my attention.
When I shared some of this with a group of girlfriends on Monday, I got an encouraging and resounding, "We understand! We've all been there!" They could ALL relate and I was reminded that I, too, have been here before - paddling and splashing while I scan the horizon in search of a life preserver.
It is amazing to me how the water can bring me such fear , but also great calm and perspective. I've written about the waves of parenthood, but I realize that life in general comes in waves as well. Sometimes the seas are rough because we are overpowered by busyness, by grief, by loneliness, by feelings of inferiority, by anger, by worry. or by confusion. So, what do we do? We keep treading water. Like a graceful swan, we may seem calm, but our feet are frantically paddling away just beneath the surface. And, like Dory, we just keep swimming until we have a chance to come up for a good, deep, cleansing breath