Friday, April 8, 2016

Why I Keep Coming Back

Once upon a time, I thought blogging could make me famous. When I started writing here in this space, I did it to record memories of my girls and share the ups and downs of motherhood. It didn't take long before I found bloggers like Ree Drummond -The Pioneer Woman, Scary Mommy, and Glennon Melton (Momastery). I got stars in my eyes and was certain that I could find the same fame and fortune. If I dove in and gave it my all, it would certainly bring me money and accolades as well.

It didn't. It hasn’t. It probably never will. At least, not to the degree I had once envisioned. It has given me something better, though; something I never expected when I jumped in. It has given me connections and beautiful friends. I've met a few of them in person and a few of them only live in my computer, but they are all real and genuine and some of my closest friends. They know me just as well as the ones that live right "next door." 

Blogging also gave me the gift of finding a passion I had never fully discovered; a love of writing and words for which I had, previously, only scratched the surface. It gave me a way to connect what was in my head with what was in my heart and a conduit to express it all. 

That’s why I write and why I keep coming back to my blog even when the words aren’t coming to me.

When I saw that the sentence for today's Finish the Sentence Friday was, "Sometimes, I wonder about my writing. I keep on and on because..." it made me really think about why I do go on; why I keep coming back here.

Lately, writing hasn't come very easily for me. As my kids get older, acceptable, entertaining, shareable topics become more difficult to find. Our lives are busy and time always seems short. Previous rejections still sting, too. In the past few months, writing/blogging have brought me more stress and frustration than joy. I have considered, on many occasions, leaving this space - walking away and never coming back. 

When I sat down and really thought about it, I realized these are the reasons I cannot walk away - the connections and the passion. 

So what happens when the inspiration and the words don't come? What happens when it's forced and not really enjoyable? 

That's when the connections mean even more. That's when I dig deeper and try harder - but also relax and let go a little, too. That's when I keep pouring out my heart, but hide some of it in a personal notebook rather than putting it here. That's when visions of fame and fortune fade away and I just keep writing because I have to; because it's part of who I am. 

In the future, I'm not sure what things will look like here. Posts have already become more sporadic and infrequent. I'm sure that will continue. You may also notice that posts are more about me and less about my kids. Maybe someday, this space will lose it's grip on me and I will really walk away. For now, though, I keep coming back here time and time again because connections mean so much and because this space, the words, and the writing, hold parts of my soul that I'm not ready to give up on just yet. 

Finish the Sentence Friday is hosted by Kristi of Finding Ninee.

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