Thursday, January 23, 2014

Does Being a Stay At Home Mom Set a Good Example for my Daughters?

People can be either traditional or non-traditional.  I am most definitely and without hesitation traditional.  In fact, I'm what most people would consider "conservative" (which is not always a popular description of a person these days).

I am certain that my "traditional" upbringing and beliefs had a lot to do with my decisions about career and motherhood.  I always wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I did go to college and got a degree.  I was a teacher of special needs preschoolers in the public school system (and a darn good one if I do say so myself) before I had my own children.  That job was fulfilling and I honestly gave it my all.  However, that job was just that - a job, not a career.  I never intended to do it long term.  It was a filler until I was able to do what I really wanted to do - be a stay at home mom.

I have been blessed with three beautiful daughters.  They are currently 11, 9, and 6.  I DO NOT regret my decision to make motherhood my primary only occupation.  Somedays, though, the weight of the influence I have on these precious girls is almost too much to bear and I question if being a stay at home mom is setting a good example for my daughters.

On the one hand, I hope they see that they are my everything.  I hope they see that my world revolves around them and that there is absolutely nothing on this earth more important than loving them and teaching them and being with them.  I am happy to be the classroom mom, and the mom who goes on field trips, and the mom who leads a middle school writing club because my time is not spent climbing proverbial ladders elsewhere.

On the other hand, though, I also want them to know that they can do ANYTHING they want to do.  They can be architects or astronauts; doctors or chefs; lawyers or businesswomen; actresses or designers; engineers or teachers.  I want them to know that there are no limitations on what they can achieve.  I wonder, though, how will they know they can do anything when they see me, their #1 female role model, doing nothing.  Nothing from a career perspective, at least.

If you ask my daughters what they want to be when they grow up, you will get three very different answers:
  • The (vegetarian) 11 year old has said for a few years without faltering that she wants to be a zoologist.  She is fully aware of the difference between a zoologist and veterinarian.  She has even researched colleges with a veterinary program.  Recently, she has also added the possibility of becoming and architect to her answer.
  • The 9 year old wants to become a teacher.  End of story.  She comes home form school and goes to the playroom to play school.  She shares every.single.detail of her day at school with me.  She knows which college she plans to attend and which grade she wants to teach.  And, she once told me that she actually doesn't want to be a mom because it's "too much work!"
  • The youngest, 6, wants nothing more than to get married and have lots of kids.  At last check, her plans included having about 20 children and purchasing a RV to take them places.  She, at this point, has no "career" aspirations.
It certainly appears that they "get it."  They know they have options other than "just being a mommy."  They don't have to choose the same path I chose.  But, still I wonder if they see (or will someday see) my lack of a formal career as an expectation of who they should be as adults as well.

I honestly have to say that, although I have certainly heard and read about the "Mommy Wars," the stay-at-home vs. working mother debate, it has never been a big factor in my life.  I have never had a "war" with another mom about which choice is best.

The only "war" I've had about it is with myself.  However, if I listen to what my daughters have to say about their futures, perhaps that internal war is unnecessary.

My most favorite post I have EVER written is called Lessons I Want To Teach My Daughters.  Fourth on the list is this:


4)  Do What Makes You Happy.  If you want to play sports, play sports.  If you want to play music, play music.  If you want to be a doctor, study hard and be a doctor.  If you want to be a teacher, give it your all and be a great teacher.  Do what makes YOU happy - not what all your friends are doing; not what will earn you the biggest salary.  Friends and money are worthless if you are miserable.  Do what makes YOU happy; what brings you joy.  You will receive rewards much greater than money or fame.

There's a great chance that my daughters' happy will be different from mine.  There is a great chance that their path will be less traditional than the one I have chosen.  Or, maybe it won't.  Only time will tell.


In the end, what I really want my daughters to know is that they really can do anything they choose, whether that's having an illustrious, fast-paced career, being a stay at home mom, or finding happiness somewhere in between.  The most important thing is that they have the courage to make the decision that is best for them and their future families -whatever that may be.

For some additional perspective on this topic and a comment thread that inspired my post today, check out this post from my blog friend and FTSF hostess, Stephanie!

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This post was written as part of Finish The Sentence Friday.  FTSF is hosted by some wonderful blogging ladies.  Please give them a visit and check out all the other blogs that participate as well!
Stephanie at Mommy, for Real
Kristi at Finding Ninee

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

31 comments:

Janine Huldie said...

Lisa, you said this beautifully and that is all I could ever hope for my own girls. I just want them to be happy with whatever path they take, too. So, yes I think I am very much traditional like you and as I said in my post most of it is due to becoming another to my kids.

Michelle Nahom said...

No mommy wars here either. Financially it would probably be better if I went back to a conventional job. But then I couldn't get them to their sports and all the other activities that they want to do. So it's a tradeoff.

Jean said...

You said it all so well! This is my first year home and I wonder what my children think about it. What they will think about it in the future. I imagine your daughters will continue to "get it."

Tamara Bowman said...

I agree about not experiencing the mommy wars. Only with myself, if at all. I do work at home or on weekends and I don't have extra childcare so it's kinda terrible and it's kinda amazing - I am working but I am with them. It's certainly not perfect because we're struggling financially, but there are things about it I love.
And I want Scarlet to see not just my way, but that there are many ways. Many open paths.

Kristi - Finding Ninee said...

I stayed at home with my son for the first 3 1/2 years after he was born (and left a pretty big corporate job that paid as much as my husband's gets). I regret it. SOMETIMES. And I don't regret it. Almost ALL of the time. It's such a hard hard thing. SUCH A HARD THING for me, anyway, I guess. I loved my job. I miss it. I'm now working part time and I love it too but it's not the same and so I sometimes wonder if I should just do what I want which is be the room mom, the field trip mom and the here mom. I also love the big job feeling - the travel, the power, the respect (because hahah no way is my kid giving me that mostly).... Which I LOVE beyond belief, and do, but when they conflict, it's hard. Obviously, I am torn about this whole thing. Sigh. I'm glad to read that you've always known. I'm still torn.

Teresa Danner Kander said...

I fought that war with myself for years...I was also a teacher before I became a full time, stay at home mom. The only times I really doubted my choice was when other people tried to tell me that I should be working--and then I learned to tell them that I WAS working. I was working to make sure my three kids turned out to be the best possible adults they could be, and IMO that was the most important job I could ever do in the world. I have a son and two daughters, all grown now, and they have thanked me for being there for them....one daughter is now a stay at home mom to her son, and the other is a single, employed, soon to be college student who wants to be a nurse. And my son? He's self-sufficient, engaged to a wonderful woman, and will I'm sure encourage his wife and his children to do what makes them happy!

The Dose of Reality said...

I love this. Like you, I've never had a mommy war with another mom. I couldn't even imagine it. People have got to do what's best for their families. BUT...I've been both a practicing physician and a SAHM...and I have fought within my self wondering --either way---was I doing what was right for my family. I'm at peace with my choices and like you, I think my own internal war was not necessary. Both my kids understand that women can achieve whatever they want to and all the possible choices have value. They got it! --Lisa

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Janine! If they end up happy then we've done our job!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I know what you mean. My husband travels a lot for his job, so if I worked full time there's no way my kids could do all the extracurriculars they do.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I hope they do, Jean! Thanks for the encouragement to write it!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

When my kids were younger, we had plenty of money issues, too. Fortunately, that's a lot better now. Just like you said, I want them to see that this was MY path, but it's o.k. if it's not theirs.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I completely get it, Kristi! My husband has that fancy corporate job now. He travels all over the country and, because he is very good at his job, gets lots of accolades and awards. Meanwhile, I'm at home doing elementary school homework, hauling kids to piano lessons, and haggling over bedtimes. I admit that sometimes I get very jealous. That contributes a great deal to my conflict within myself. I want my girls to know that women can do those jobs, too. Not to mention that sometimes I just can't take hearing one more story about his fancy dinners. I've been honest and told him how I feel sometimes, though, and he reminds me how sad it makes him when he has to miss their awards day at school or miss seeing them sing in the children's choir at our church because he is off on another business trip. It is definitely such a had thing! I've always know, but I still question!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

That's awesome Teresa! It IS definitely working! I just want to make sure my daughters know they have other options if they choose. It's good to hear a lovely success story like yours!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Lisa! Most of the time I am comfortable with my decision, but once in a while a little doubt creeps in. It definitely gives me comfort to hear their aspirations and be able to know they are getting it. In the end, all any mom wants is to do what's best for her kids.

MamaRabia said...

I've worked for as long as I've had children. In fact, I got pregnant the first semester of my first teaching position and had Frances 6 weeks into my second year. I left the public school and taught in a private pre-school for five years and was able to spend loads of time with my kids because they we in care at the pre-school where I taught. Then two and a half years ago, I made the switch to the job I have now. I love this job in that it allows me the flexibility I need to be a mom (they are here with me right now because school is delayed) and I can take off whatever time I need. Sometimes I miss being able to spend the day with them and be at work at the same time, but 2/3 of them are in school now anyway. I am extremely grateful to live in a country where we can make our own choices and we can all pick different things.

That Girl ryan said...

Being a working mom, I give a ton of credit to mom's who choose to stay home. Personally, I think it's much easier to go to work all day than stay at home with children so kudos to you for being able to have that kind of patience. I wish I had it lol.

I laugh at your daughter's responses because I am the oldest of two sisters and the personalities seem to be the same depending on the birth order:

Oldest- always has an interest in unique things.
Middle- very structured and routine
Youngest-lives in a different world compared to the oldest and middle

You are lucky to have three girls-until the teenage years-but after that it will be awesome.

Great post!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I am very grateful, too, that we have the freedom to choose. That's what I want to make sure my girls know - being a SAHM is what I chose, but it's not what they have to choose. :-)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Ha! Thanks Ryan! Yes, the teenage years will be interesting! I think it is so funny that my middle one wants to be a teacher because she is soooooo NOT structured and organized. Her room looks like a hurricane came through and she would forget to take her head with her if it wasn't attached.


I think some of it boils down to personality. I have friends who, like you, enjoy working and don't want to be a SAHM. Then there are some who work because they feel they have to. Others who stay home because they feel they should, but they miss their jobs. In the end, we just have to to what works best for us individually and I hope my girls will know that have the freedom to choose.

Angela said...

I think that by being a stay at home mom you are being an amazing example for your girls! They see that you have it all, you have a college education, you had a career and you CHOOSE to stay at home with them because that is what is most imporant to you. My mother was both a stay at home mom and a working mom at different times in my childhood. I was a work outside the house mom when my daughter was born and I've been a work from home mom since my son was born. I'm both a working mom and a stay at home mom, and my children know that is my choice. I could undoubtedly make more money if I worked in an office, that's not my priority. Sure, I'd love a fatter bank account, but I wouldn't trade being here for them for all the money in the world. Great post!

Kim said...

I love that one of the top things you teach your daughters is to do what makes you happy!!! That is something we have told our boys for years!!!
And, I'm cracking up at your 9 year old saying that being a mom is too hard - she is a wise child but one day she will realize (maybe) that the rewards far out weigh how hard it is!!

Kenya G. Johnson said...

Great post Lisa. I have a hang up for a different reason. I worked until Christopher was 4. My husband was getting ready to deploy and for so many reasons it was going to be easier and I was getting my degree at the same time. I never/haven't gone back. Christopher doesn't remember that I worked so he can't appreciate the differences. Your baby - twenty kids and an RV - she's doesn't know what she's getting herself into. LOL!!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I hope she will! :-)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Yes it is! Although I always wanted to do exactly what I'm doing, it is very different now that I have the perspective of actually being a mom to these three girls!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Although I did teach for a few years, I kind of feel like my degree and college education is going to waste. But, my girls know I went to college and we continually stress the importance of them going to college, too, so they will have the freedom to make choices when the time comes.

Dana said...

I had the same internal war, Lisa. And I still think about the example I'm setting for my daughter, especially now that she is starting to think about college and careers. One of the unexpected blessings about starting my blog is that she sees that her mom is more than just Mom, and I'm grateful for that. I love your take on this prompt - it's an issue that is always so interesting to explore!

Ilene Evans said...

Lisa, this is such a thoughtful post and I appreciate you contemplating this subject. I think that as long as our daughters know that they have options, we are all doing a good job. I have always worked but never said to my girls that they "have to" work as well. They know they can do what feels right and what makes them happy. AND if they are happy, their kids will be happy too. That seems to be how it goes. .

Allison C said...

what a gorgeous, heartfelt post. I love it. I only have sons and I still have the same thoughts: "am I teaching them to be nontraditional in the way they think of women or traditional." Mind games, I tell you, but thinking of these things is precisely what makes us great parents.

Kat Biggie said...

love, love, love this Lisa. I can tell you that having been raised by a mom who loved her work so much she couldn't even find the time to come to my soccer games, what you are giving your daughters... time, love, attention, is far more of an example than anything you could ever teach them by working. xo

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I agree that the blog has given me a sense of accomplishment and I think my girls see that - especially when I was published in a book. They thought that was really awesome!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Sarah! I certainly hope that's what they are learning from me! :-)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I agree Ilene! I think that showing them they have options and freedom to choose is the most important thing.

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