Thursday, November 13, 2014

When Is Your Child Old Enough To Stay Home Alone?

This Tuesday, my kids were out of school for Veteran's day, but that didn't mean there was no homework. After a lazy morning, my oldest began working on some science assignments and my middle daughter began working on a shadow box type of project. She decided that she needed some additional supplies that we did not have on hand, like modeling clay, so we needed to run to the craft store. My oldest, 12, asked if she could stay home alone to keep working on her assignments. I hesitated. Truthfully, they were, as usual, already arguing and I knew it would really be best to keep them separate. I also rationalized that we have been leaving her alone for over a year now for very brief periods of time (20 minutes) while I run the two younger girls to the elementary school on mornings when my hubby is out of town. I knew I could make it to the craft store and back in an hour or less and my neighbors (who also happen to be my in-laws) were home. Therefore, I agreed, gave her some final instructions, and left her with an enormous, independent smile on her face. 

It all turned out perfectly fine, but it felt so strange and it really got me wondering what is  the "right" age to begin leaving kids home alone. I did some research and even conducted a very scientific Facebook survey by asking some other moms to share their points of view. If you are questioning this as well, here is some information that might help.



Some Things To Consider:
  • Is it legal? I wondered if there were actually any laws that specified a particular age. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services (www.childwelfare.gov as of 11/12/14),  there are only three states that have true laws about it. (Illinois law is age 14; Maryland says 8 years old; and Oregon says 10 years old.) Some other states offer guidelines ranging between 8-12 years old, but most don't address it at all.
  • Can your child handle it? Although the other moms I asked on Facebook gave varying ages, the overwhelming consensus was that it is VERY dependent on the individual child. Some children may be able to handle it at age 9 and some will not be ready until they are a little older, like 12 (or 25?). Some children have special needs or other character traits that make it necessary to wait until they are older before leaving them alone. If children are more mature than average, they could be left alone at an earlier age. A couple moms said they had even left their own children alone for the first time at different ages due to differences in personality, abilities, and/or family situations. Ultimately, you are the person who knows your child best. As you are deciding if your child is ready, here are some things to consider:
    • Is your child trustworthy? If you tell him/her not to open the door or not to go outside, can he/she be trusted to obey? 
    • How does your child react in emergency situations? If the worst case scenario came to fruition while you are away and there was a fire or a burglary, do you think your child would panic or maintain a relatively level head?
    • Does your child want to stay home alone? Even though you feel he/she is ready, the child may disagree and be uncomfortable being left alone. Make sure you talk with him/her beforehand.
  • Consider your neighborhood and surroundings. As I mentioned, my in-laws live right next door and we live on a quiet street with very little traffic. This definitely helped me to feel more at ease about leaving my daughter home alone. Another mom on Facebook mentioned they live in an apartment complex, so help is just a couple steps away if needed. If you live in a more "questionable" neighborhood or in a place where it is highly likely someone will come knocking while you're gone, you might need to wait a little longer.
  • How long will you be gone? Although the majority of moms who shared their input said children could be left alone at age 10-11, they also specified that this was for short periods of time, around an hour or just long enough to run a quick errand. Nobody was leaving children home alone all day or overnight until they were significantly older. That doesn't seem to come until closer to 15 or 16.
Tips to help:
  • Talk to your child! Make sure he/she feels ready to stay home alone. Talk about what to do in emergencies. Talk about what to do if someone calls or rings the doorbell when you are gone. Talk about responsibility and expectations. 
  • Set rules. Some kids may see this time without direct supervision as an opportunity to test the limits and do what is normally not allowed. Make sure you set some very specific rules and enforce consequences, if necessary.
  • Write it down! Write down emergency numbers and alarm codes so kids can find them quickly and easily, if needed. 
  • Start small. Start by leaving your child for maybe just an hour and see how it goes. As children mature and prove themselves to be trustworthy, you will BOTH get more comfortable with the idea. Then, you can gradually increase the time and expectations.
One thing I have learned in my 12 years as a mom is to trust my gut. After taking in all this information and talking to other moms as well, I feel comfortable with my decision to leave my oldest daughter home alone for brief periods of time. She's ready and she can handle it. Me? I'm getting there. 

In the end, this is a decision that must be made by each individual family. You know your child(ren) and your situation better than anyone else. Go with your instincts, use your common sense, and I'm sure you will make the right choice. (Unless you live in Illinois, Maryland, or Oregon. In that case, make sure you obey the law, too!)

**Big thanks to all the expert moms who share you input in HV, MOAM, and on my Facebook Page! I wish I could list you all, but there were just too many responses! :-)

Do you remember how old you were when you were allowed to stay home alone? Have you allowed your kids to stay home alone yet? At what age do you think it's acceptable?


30 comments:

Janine Huldie said...

I did see this yesterday and wanted to weigh in, but I totally forgot to come back after the kids went to bed (had Emma home all day again from being sick), but you totally laid this out perfectly and must admit my kids aren't quite old enough yet, but definitely gave me such food for thought when they do get to this point. Seriously great post Lisa and didn't even know that some states actually do have their own laws for this. So most definitely educated me just a bit!! :)

MamaRabia said...

This is good info to have, Lisa. I think it really does depend on the kid. We've practiced what to do and what not to do. I think the worst thing they do is sneak candy when I'm not around.

Kathy Radigan said...

Lisa excellent post and info!!!

Dana said...

I already weighed in, but I'll do it again! My oldest didn't want to stay home alone. My youngest couldn't wait to stay home instead of tagging along on carpools. I think it was at about 9 or 10 years old. It still feels odd to leave them home for long periods of time, though.

Karen said...

A great post, will be saving this for when Dino is older! I wonder if Dino will like staying home alone?

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Janine! I saw your post about Emma being sick - hope she feels better very soon!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I was surprised by how many moms weighed in and that most of them had fairly similar answers. I sneak candy myself when the kids aren't around, so I can't say anything about that! :-)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Kathy, for your support and encouragement!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Yeah, I can't imagine leaving them for several hours - doing it for just one hour felt weird enough! Thanks for weighing in!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Karen!

Tamara Bowman said...

I actually joke that if I were to leave my kids alone for hours, they'd be fine. Yes, even the two-year-old. It's a joke, but if this is something I can joke about now, I wonder if they'll grow up to earn my trust easily.
I think I was about 11 or 12. I had older siblings, though. So maybe they left me with them first. I wish I remembered more! I was babysitting by age 11 or 12, so someone was leaving me alone!

Chris Carter said...

This is such a great topic to talk about Lisa! I know people that leave their kids home at as early an age as second grade!!! I have only left my kids alone a few times and for a few minutes. My oldest (11) I have left alone for longer- but she is uncomfortable and she doesn't have a phone, so I don't feel right about that at all. If we had a phone line at home, perhaps I would feel a bit more easy going. It really does depend on the kids- and I love the advice and information you shared here!!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Ha! If I left my three home alone together, it would be WWIII! I think I was baby-sitting around 12 as well.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Chris!

The Dose of Reality said...

I love this post. It's something we each face over and over again with each child (because each one is so different). Yet this is a topic I rarely read about. I think the starting slowly advice is SO spot on. You can't have even the most put together and responsible child alone for 5 hours on the first go. A quick 20 minute store run is a great way to start...and then go from there. --Lisa

Kenya G. Johnson said...

Great post Lisa. I agree that it is very dependent on the child. I was in 4th grade when I started coming home alone but we lived in an apartment and the lady across the hall from us kept my brother. So I had to check in with here and then I was just in the apartment by myself until my parents got home. We moved into a house when I was in 6th grade and then I was truly "home alone" but I was fine. We've only left Christopher for short periods that he was still in bed and either or both us were out for a morning walk, run or bike ride. We haven't left him alone yet otherwise because we don't have a landline and haven't gone over all that emergency stuff about if we don't come home. I really need to do that. At this point he doesn't even have a key to get in. Okay we are going to do that key part this weekend. Thanks for the reminder. ;-)

Amber said...

Nice information. My son is 12 and stays home alone. But only for about 2 hours. He know show to reach us in case. I think I remember starting to stay alone at around 11?

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Lisa! Glad it was helpful!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

My kids don't have a key to get in either. And, you know, I never thought about talking to them about what to do if, heaven forbid, we didn't come home when they were expecting us. So much to think about!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Amber!

Kristi - Finding Ninee said...

This is really great, Lisa (and I'm bummed now to have missed the facebook post because that sounds like a great topic). My son is five and I've been shocked at some people suggesting that he can play outside alone - I'm not close to leaving him alone! With that said, when I was a kid, I think I started being alone after school around age 8 for a couple of hours and I know I started babysitting other people's kids when I was 11, which seems so young now that I'm an adult. I can remember being annoyed with my own mom though, the first time I babysat. And I am so jealous that your in-laws are your neighbors! That must be so nice! (and also maybe annoying at times but mostly really nice) :)

Stephanie Sprenger said...

This is fantastic, Lisa. I had a VERY heated conversation about this on my blog's FB page when I innocently asked this question a few months ago. With my oldest being 8, the topic had really never occurred to me, as I figured we had years before we'd even consider it. I had no idea people had such strong opinions about it! This is truly practical and helpful- nicely done!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Kristi! I agree with all of that. My oldest is 12 and she would love to baby-sit, but I have a hard time leaving her lone just by herself. I am not ready for her to be responsible for other human beings yet. However, I remember baby-sitting for a family that had two kids when I was about 13. And, having my in-laws as neighbors is mostly fantastic! :-)

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks Stephanie! I expected a little more heat in the FB conversations, but most of the people who responded to me had fairly similar opinions. Just not something I have really ever seen addressed in a blog post or article.

christine said...

I was babysitting multiple kids when I was only 12, for hours at a time. When I was 14, a mom left me with her three kids, one of whom was 2 weeks old!
My kids first stay home alone when they are 11 or so. It's a rare day that a child is alone, though. There's almost always at least 2 big kids home at a time. Each child is different, and their ability to babysit the younger kids is different. They don't stay home unless they are ready and willing, and they don't watch the little kids until they are responsible enough and resourceful enough to do so.

Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom said...

Right! They eventually do get to stay home alone, don't they. It's so weird to think I was staying home by myself when I was 10 and then a nanny for two kids over the summer at the age of 13.


I think the biggest indicator is the child themselves - are they mature enough to handle it.


Thanks for sharing. This was so thought-provoking!

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

I think it's important to consider who else is at home. I am comfortable leaving my 12 year old alone, but not leaving her in charge of her two sisters yet.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

Thanks, Jennifer! Definitely depends on the individual children - and what the parents are comfortable doing!

TheMissusV said...

Wow, I just realized we don't have a law about this at all! I think I would comfortable leaving my son at home alobe when he turns 12. Or 13. I actually haven't thought of this yet since my eldest is 9.

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons said...

My oldest is 12 going on 20 :-) and she had been asking. One reason I decided to do the research!

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